Better without me
by bookwormgirlLH
Summary: James gets the fright of his life when he finds Remus alone in the dormitory - but is it too late to help him? Better summary inside. Rated M for graphic attempted suicide. Please R&R!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is about Remus wishing he wasn't a werewolf, and taking extreme actions to make it happen...

Trigger warnings: Suicide.

Please leave a review to tell me what you think - I'd really appreciate it!

* * *

Fifteen year old Remus Lupin sat on his bed, staring into space. He couldn't believe what had happened; the last transformation had defiantly been the worst - he was now on crutches after breaking his leg, and he was still covered in bruises.

But he wasn't troubled by the injuries - he had been badly hurt once a month of over ten years now - instead, Remus' mind was reeling with the news he'd received. James, Sirius and Peter had come to visit him in the hospital wing, accompanied, strangely, by Professor Mcgonagall, and they were made to tell him what they had done: Sirius and Peter had told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow, and he had almost got to the Shreiking Shack before James had stopped him. Snape had got close enough to hear the werewolf rampaging around the house, but, luckily - although Sirius didn't think so - not close enough to be ripped to bits. Remus had shuddered as he realised how close he had come to murdering someone, and, although Professor Mcgonagall assured him that Snape had been sworn to secrecy, that Severus Snape knew his secret.

Back in his dormitory, Remus put his head in his hands, glad to be alone, and let himself fall back onto the pillow. His mind was spinning - he had come so close to killing Severus, how could he do that? Remus knew that werewolves had no control over their actions after transforming, but even so, he couldn't believe that he could have easily killed someone else.

"Why did this happen to me?" Remus thought aloud, tears trickling down his pale, bruised face. He wished that he'd never been bitten, he wished he'd never come to Hogwarts, he wished he'd never got close to people he could easily hurt, and - Remus took a ragged breath - he wished that he'd never been born.

Curling up, splint - wrapped broken leg sticking out awkwardly, Remus rocked himself from side to side, feeling on the the of a nervous breakdown, his body shaking with sobs. He hated himself for being such a baby, but was unable to stop the waves of guilt flowing through him.

Remus suddenly sat up, and limped over to the cabinet next to Sirius' bed, where he knew Sirius, who had recently began shaving, kept his razors. He was still crying, but felt calm as he came to a decision - "Everyone hates me," He muttered bitterly, "and the world would defiantly be better without another monster." Remus screwed up his eyes to try and stop sobbing, but the pain in his mind wouldn't stop as easily as the flow of tears. Grabbing a cutthroat razor from the cabinet, Remus stumbled back to his bed, where he drew the curtains, hands trembling, but mind still.

Taking a deep breath, Remus sliced through his left wrist, clamping his lips together to stop the scream of agony escaping, startled by the flood of scarlet blood that poured from the wound. Toppling sideways, Remus took the blade in his bloody left hand, and cut a clumsier gash in his right wrist. Searing pain pounded in his brain, and Remus found himself getting drowsy, before he finally passed out in a pool of his own blood.

* * *

James Potter and Sirius Black ran along the corridor, Peter Pettigrew struggling to keep up, wanting to change out of their Quidditch robes before dinner. He and Sirius had taken part in a challenging practice session, but he was proud to have caught the snitch nine times out of ten, and Peter had been watching, looking slightly envious. James had asked Remus if he wanted to come, but Remus had said that he wanted to do his homework, so they had left him in the crowded common room two hours ago.

After telling the Fat Lady the password, Sirius and the others entered the common room, glancing around for Remus, who was nowhere to be seen.

"He must be having a nap." James said, knowing that Remus always felt shattered, especially only days after the transformation, and he ran up the stairs, bursting through the doorway way before the other two.

The curtains were drawn around Remus' bed, so James crept over, and slowly drew them. He froze in horror; Remus was lying unconscious on is bed, blood pouring from a deep cut on either arm, a razor loosely gripped in his hand.

"Remus!" James cried, collapsing onto the bed next to him and resting his friend's head on his lap, terror flooding through him.

Sirius and Peter appeared beside him; Peter screamed, and Sirius spun on his heels, heading straight to Professor McGonagall.

James cradled Remus' face, sobbing, unable to believe what he had done, "Why did you have to do it, Moony?" He whispered.

Peter was whimpering; James patted the smaller boy's shoulder, smearing his robes with blood.

"Is he dead, Prongs?" Peter squeaked, and James just shook his head, unable to speak, but knowing that Remus was still alive as he felt his pulse.

Sirius returned a few seconds later with the head of their house, who recoiled slightly at the sight of Remus. She guessed had happened at once."Okay, Black, Pettigrew and Potter, I'm going to take Lupin to the hospital wing, so you can follow me if you wish." She muttered a spell under her breath, and Remus was lifted off of the bed. She left the room, Remus hovering in front of her, blood dripping onto the floor, and went over to the fireplace in the common room,the three maruaders following close behind.

Every person in the common room stared, but a look from Professor Mcgonagall made them hold their tongues. Digging her hand into her pocket, she pulled out a handful of floo powder, and, after standing in the fireplace with a tight grip on Remus' arm, she threw the powder to the floor, shouting "Hospital wing!", before they disappeared from sight.

Sirius, James and Peter were left In the common room, and, despite the dozens of students asking them endless questions, they felt completely alone...


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Here's chapter two, I hope you enjoy it!**

**Trigger warnings: Suicide**

* * *

"What's happened, James?" Lily Evans cried, rushing over to where the three boys were standing, startled to see James and Peter crying, and Sirius on the verge of tears.

James tried to speak, but the only sound that escaped his mouth was a squeak. She turned to Sirius instead, whose eyes were overly bright.

"Moony... Remus... he - he." Sirius broke down, burying his face in his hands. The others in the common room crowded around the four fifth years, shocked to see Sirius Black, who was usually cheerful and cocky, sobbing his heart out. Lily, seeing how much the questions were hurting the boys, took his arm,

"Come on, you three," She said softly, leading him, and James and Peter, towards the portrait hole, "Let's go to the hospital wing."

She had only just pulled Sirius through the hole into the corridor, when Professor McGonagall appeared before her.

"Ah, there you are," She said, "Potter, Black and Pettigrew, can you come with me please? I need a word with you."

Lily patted Sirius and Peter on the back, and, to his surprise, gave James, who was trying hard to stop sobbing, a hug, "He'll be okay." She whispered to them, before heading back into the common room.

The boys turned to face the head of their house, who looked uncharacteristically kind. Following close behind her, they soon found themselves in her office. James and Sirius were used to being called in here, but Peter, who was a lot better behaved, had hardly ever set foot in the large office, and looked terrified.

Professor McGonagall noticed and said to him, "Its alright, Pettigrew, you're not in trouble." A small smile flashed across her face.

After being told to sit down, the three boys sat side by side in front of the large, wooden desk, behind which, sat Professor McGonagall, who stared sympathetically at them from behind her glasses. "I just wanted to ask you about the... incident involving Lupin." She saw the colour drain from their faces about the sound of their friend's name. James honestly looked like he was going to faint, and Peter was swaying in his seat. Digging under her desk, Professor McGonagall pulled out a slab of chocolate, which she broke into pieces and offered to the boys.

"We don't really know what happened, professor." Sirius began, taking a bite of the chocolate. He looked sideways at Peter, who was nibbling the chocolate like a mouse, and James, who had shoved the whole wedge in his mouth at once, looking for a quick fix to the faintness he was feeling.

James soon realised this was a mistake: his mouth was coated in creamy chocolate, and as he tried to swallow, his stomach lurched. Professor McGonagall saw him turn pale grey, and quickly steered James to the bin, where he vomited violently. She rubbed his back until, finally, he stopped. James looked up, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, and smiled apologetically.

"Its nothing." She whispered, patting him on the shoulder.

They returned to the desk, where Sirius and Peter had finished their chocolate, and Sirius was giving Peter a hug.

"Now, back to the questions. Do you know anything, Potter?"

James gulped, trembling, "Remus was alone in our dormitory... we went in... I opened his curtains... and... he'd slit his wrists!" James stammered, breaking into a hysterical flood of tears.

"Do you know why?" Professor McGonagall pressed.

"I know he was upset with the joke we played on Sniv- Snape." Peter squeaked.

"Ah." She seemed to understand, "I see."

"And he's always been quite sensitive." James added, "It's really easy to upset him."

"Can we see Remus now?" Sirius asked, trying not to sound impatient.

Professor McGonagall paused, "I'm afraid that Lupin is currently at St Mungo's." She said sadly. "He needed a blood transfusion."

"But will he be okay? Will we be able to see him soon?" Sirius persisted, before adding, as an afterthought, "Professor."

"I don't know, Black." She said truthfully, feeling awful as the boy's faces fell even further. "But I hope so..."

* * *

James, Sirius and Peter walked through the doorway into the great hall with Professor McGonagall. She was insisting that they all ate with the others, despite the fact that they all, especially James, didn't feel like eating.

Everyone turned to look as the three tear-stained boys sat at the Gryffindor table, and Sirius soon heard a sly voice from the Slytherin table behind him.

"Hey, Black," drawled Lucius Malfoy, "What happened to Loopy Lupin?"

"Nothing - shut up Malfoy!" He snapped, fists clenched, as he spun around in his seat.

"Leave it, Sirius." Lily, who was sat beside him, "He's not worth it."

"Still," Malfoy continued, egged on by his friends, "its not like the world will miss him if he dies-"

James felt the same rush of anger that was pulsing through Sirius, "He's NOT going to die!"

Malfoy ignored him and continued, "- he's only a halfblood."

Lily leapt to her feet, "Shut up! What does it matter if Remus is halfblood?" She cried in disbelief.

Malfoy looked disgusted, "Get away from me you mudblood!" He spat.

The Professors had noticed that something was going on, and as Dumbledore heard the dreaded word, he stood up, and the hall fell silent.

James resisted the urge to curse Malfoy and looked up at the headmaster, who said, "Mr Malfoy, ten points from Slytherin and detention. Misters Potter, Pettigrew and Black and Miss Evans, can I see you outside."

Looking shocked at being asked to speak to Dumbledore in person, the four of them went out into the hallway, where their headmaster, and Professor McGonagall, looked at them inquisitively.

"May I ask why Mr Malfoy called you that word?" He asked Lily.

"He was being horrible about Remus, Sir, he said he was going to die and said that it wouldn't matter because he's a halfblood." Lily blurted.

"So Evans told him off and he called her... that word." James added, still fuming.

completely unexpectedly, Dumbledore reached out and patted James on the shoulder, "Remus will be alright, Mr Potter, and your blood status means nothing - I just wish the Malfoys would realise that."

The four students smiled weakly at their headmaster, but his optimism failed to stop the feeling of dread in their stomachs that Remus was going to die...


End file.
